Two years ago I wrote a letter to my future husband. Since then I’ve been engaged, planned a wedding, and then promptly called it off after the discovery of some unsettling deceit that took place in that relationship. At the time, my heart just stopped and my entire world spun miraculously fast into a deep hurt and sorrow that lasted quite awhile. Since then I’ve been blessed with lots of healing from a Lord and Savior who is incredibly merciful and who loves me very much. I’m so incredibly grateful for all of the healing that has taken place. My first letter was a call for true love, despite Lyme disease. This one is that hope continued and reinforced with a whole new perspective. My hope goes out to anyone who feels immense loneliness due to any form of brokenness. May someday someone come along and aid in making your heart whole again.
Dear Future Husband,
I never thought that loneliness could sting the way that a deep cut stings after it’s been disinfected. It never occurred to me at this moment in my life that I would be clueless as to who or where you are. I guess you could say that in a way, the disinfecting of my heart is occurring at a slow and steady pace. That’s the problem with love. You can’t stitch up a broken heart. You can’t cover a bloody and broken down soul with a band aid. To disinfect one’s soul stings so much worse than to disinfect an open wound on the surface of one’s skin. I suppose the only way for a heart, such as mine, to heal would be with the potent healing power of true love itself.
If only I knew what that consisted of… Or where I could find such a thing.
My sweet future husband, I wish to explain my prior disposition on the topic of love and romance. If you could catch a glimpse of my innocent girlhood explanation of love, you might find an unexpected smile creeping across your lips. Seeing the inner child in me is something that I can’t even seem to recently accomplish myself. So if I may dig a little deeper than I have lately, I believe it might do both of us some good to reflect on my prior preconceived notions of love and war.
When I was a little girl, I thought that love was centered on romance. I envisioned princes temporarily disguised as frogs, true loves kiss, and one immense climax that would ultimately determine whether or not we were destined to be together. I anticipated that feeling that plants itself in the pit of your stomach that resembles the fluttering wings of butterflies. I contemplated the sugary sweet moments of dancing in the rain, ‘sparks flying,’ and the heightened senses that occur when one seems to be ‘in love.’ My ‘perfect romance’ I envisioned as a child went by the book. Back then, to my younger self, love was never something that hurt.
Unfortunately, I’ve seen a darker side of things since my adolescent years. I’ve seen an unsightly mascara stained face looking back at me in the mirror as the uncontrollable tears streamed down my cheeks and dripped onto my bathroom counter. I’ve felt the crushing weight of betrayal on my heart like a knife cutting into a piece of raw meat. I’ve felt the pulverizing torment of deceit. I’ve seen the hands that are never to be held again, and the lives that have been grossly forced to separate because of the cruel and sick world that will do anything in it’s power to destroy God’s blessing of family, hope, and true love. I’ve seen and felt the dark and horrifying claws that mercilessly try to rip people apart, and in this case, succeed in doing so. I’ve now seen the dark side of love. And I suppose in hindsight, that dark side really isn’t love at all.
I’m writing to you today because I love you.
Because I’m not giving up. I’m not giving up on us.
Because someday, somehow, we’re going to find each other, and when that day comes, no pain, darkness, or disease is going to destroy us.
Because I can’t wait to meet you, and I still feel like we are worth fighting for.
When I wrote to you two years ago, I explained that marrying a sick girl is no easy task, and that it’s going to take hard work and effort on both of our parts. I reaffirm that fact today. In fact, I will go as far as to say that it’s even more applicable now than it ever has been before. I have found that the suffocating grasp of Lyme disease is very stubborn, and seemingly never fleeting.
I’ve also found that surprisingly, Lyme disease may be the glue that holds us together in a society where love doesn’t last, commitment and loyalty is almost non-existent, and hard work and effort is a foreign concept.
Unfortunately, my fairy-tale reality that I had as a teenager has come to an end. But it’s been replaced with something solid. Something that lasts into the eternities. Although it may be true that a kiss is just a kiss, most frogs don’t turn into princes, and most princes are just men… It’s also true that most relationships don’t last unless they’re something worth fighting for. Most love is temporary until you find out that it can endure the most painful and tragic of life’s suffering.
We live in a society that wants all the perks of love, without ever having to fight for it. A society that wants the ‘relationship goals’ without the time and effort it takes to reach those goals. We want the magic and the sparks without the communication and the understanding. We want the physical gratification without the connection and the companionship. Fortunately, this skewed view of ‘love’ that the world has is not what you get when you marry someone who must fight every day for quality of life, for joy, and for happiness. Life gets very real very fast with me.
But here’s what I’ve learned from watching love and Lyme vigorously unravel in front of my own two eyes: Those long sleepless nights, the tears and the screams, the pain and the suffering, the standing by each other no matter what Lyme throws at us next is what will build us an unshakable relationship that will withstand the test of time. Society’s definition of ‘love’ may be temporary, but God’s definition of love is abundant, nourishing, and everlasting. God gives us suffering so we can learn and grow, and I know that if we rely on Him through it all we will only grow closer together. And more importantly, we will grow closer to God with every step we take. And what a blessing that is.
‘Does true love exist?’ one might ask. I believe that it does. And my hope for healing from a broken heart is something that I fight for every day. Pain comes in many forms in this life, but the hope in that is that healing comes in many forms as well. Someday my heart will be whole again, and when that day comes, that’s when I’ll find you.
Stay strong my future husband… within the grand scheme of life, I’m sure out paths will cross soon. I love you so much.
~ Your Loving Future Wife