Single Handedly Taking Over the World; Life as a Double Amputee
Some nights I'm exhausted. Tonight is one of them.
Remember when I said there are bad days? Well this is a bad night. It's 2 AM and I haven't slept. I'm tired. But I just can't get to sleep. Zach worked today, so I cleaned house. It wasn't like before though. Missed spots on washed dishes were found. Washed clothes that were cleaned but piled on the dryer, unfolded and needing to be put away. Cleaned floors, but my tired arm didn't manage to mop. But I'm exhausted. It was harder than I like to admit doing those simple things. Yet it's 2AM and I'm awake.
It's just a bad night. Nothing's like before. Like now, if I was to roll to my left, what would I be laying on? My ribs, my hip, half a femur and what feels like a round hole where a shoulder once sat. And if I rolled to my right? Oh, that feels more correct, oh but wait.. now the left side that remains feels like it is lifting at a 45° angle. A pillow resolves that, and I can typically fall asleep, at least for a few hours. But not tonight.
Because, tonight's a bad night. A night when every insecurity screams at me. It's one of the nights I rarely had before, and not because I lacked insecurity. But because these insecurities are louder, meaner and DO NOT play fair. I think back on all the times I didn't wear shorts because my legs weren't toned enough, I should have. All the times I didn't want to wear a swimsuit because I'm not a size 0, I should have. All the times I searched for clothes to hide my arms or stomach or whatever part it may have been that day, I shouldn't have. Now I'm not saying I was wearing daisy dukes, skimpy bikinis or skin tight tank tops. I wanted shorts on hot summer days, a swimsuit to get in the pool with my daughter, a pretty date night strapless shirt. My insecurities are different now. They are impossible to hide, difficult to cover like normal and typically uncomfortable. What I'd give to just have the insecurities I had in the picture below back. Tonight's a bad night.
A bad night is all. Its hard to know nothing is like before. But, its a new journey. Day by day
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